The Letter I Never Received

I didn't know if it would be addressed to me by my first or middle name. Actually, I had no memory of him ever saying my name. One thing that I did know was it would be received in December. Yeah, of course it would come in December...my birthday, Christmas, and I'm sure establishing a relationship was one of his New Year's resolutions. I hoped to find it before my mother. I didn't think she would be upset, but I thought it might be awkward. I wanted it to include a check...better yet, cash. I would be able to hide cash from my mom. I hated when she made me spend my money for my stuff (don't judge me). I wondered if he'd apologize for the lost time or just entice me by describing what was in store for our future. I also wondered if all of my questions would be answered in the letter. Actually, I wondered if I'd care about answers when the letter came.

Well, I'm over 30 now and the letter never came. I stopped expecting it a little more than a decade ago. Not receiving that letter from my father, amongst other painful memories, has helped to shape my personality. What I once viewed as a gift, I now recognize is a curse. Believe it or not, it took me hearing an underrated and under achieving rapper pointing out this character flaw in himself for me to see it clearly. There is a piece of me that feels everyone is disposable. When hurt bad enough, I'm able to erase history and act like we never met. Like water - I guess I follow the path of least resistance. Sometimes it hurts too much to confront some issues and/or people. As I mature, I'm less consumed by reasons and more interested in results. In the words of Kanye, "everything I'm not made me everything I am."